Hope in the Hopelessness!

I would like to share with you some things that God is revealing to me today through reflection over the last few years.  Before I begin, I want to inform you that I am not using any of the things I am about to share with you as an excuse for my actions, but as a reason in hopes that it can provide some understanding of how Christ uses hardships to reveal himself to us.

In 2007 Melissa and I made the decision to move to Virginia very quickly after we were married.  We did not see this as a chance to escape but as the best chance for us to be successful in our marriage and in life.  This was not received very well at the time, and I understand the reasons why even though I may not be able to fully comprehend the gravity of it, and this created some instantaneous tension between us.  Moving forward 2008 was a very difficult year for myself professionally at work.   My life was completely void of Christ even though I believed that I was a Christian.  Work was not going well at all it was extremely stressful.  Towards the middle of 2008 Melissa and I were fully involved in the divorce of a family member at the same time in late 2008 we found out Melissa was pregnant, as excited as we were, it was another stressor.  And the straw that broke the camel’s back was the fact that my parents were in dire straits.  They lost their home, and even moved into our basement for a time.  It is at this point I was in a full blown depression, and the Holy Spirit had no place in my life.  I didn’t recognize this, and kept on believing that the whole world was wrong and that everyone was against me.  I am sure you are aware but depression manifests itself in many different ways. 

During this time and all the way up to the beginning of 2011 I was in this depressed state.   This depressed state is known as Dysthymia.  It is defined as recurrent, mild depression.  It manifests itself in many different ways, and I would like to share some of the ways it affected me:

·         Easily Agitated – Short tempered

·         Reclusive or non communicative

·         Excessive sleep or sleep deprivation

·         Inability to control negative thoughts

These are the main symptoms that I experienced (at the time I was in denial of course).  The way I felt during those three years was that the world was against me.  It was like a roller coaster for me.  At times I felt that life was a game and I was on the sideline watching and no matter how much I wanted to participate I couldn’t.  I would lay in bed for hours at night replaying scenarios in my head and always ending up at the worst case scenario,  then I would wake up in the mornings completely exhausted and lethargic not wanting to do anything at all.  I recount countless times that Melissa and I would sit on the couch and not say one word to each other because I did not want to talk to her, and she was too afraid that I would get mad at her or blame her for something that was completely not her fault.  My wife is a strong person, because I do not know why she stayed married to me during that time, I blamed her for everything that was going wrong.  I can only Thank God for giving her the strength to stick it out with me. I believe that all of this fed into the tension that has come between you and myself.  

As a testament to the power and Grand design of our creator, two people were hired at Nielsen in the beginning of 2010: Andrew Novell and Thomas Ellis.  These two men were open about their Faith in the Father, and shared it.  Andrew and I shared a lot of similarities, but he provided a different perspective on life…the perspective through the filter of Christ.  Again I thought I was a Christian at this point.  Shortly after they hired in, Melissa convinced me to go to the doctor and He put me on medication.  I took it for about 6 or 7 months and it helped, but my thoughts were always hazy. As Andrew and Thomas continued sharing the Gospel with me,  In the middle of November I stopped taking the medication because of the haziness, and how it created some stomach issues.  That December I accepted Christ as my personal Savior and was baptized in January following our trip to Kansas in 2011. 

I am thankful that Christ put me in that scenario because through it He revealed His grace and himself to me.  Not knowing why Christ had us move to Virginia, in the beginning, I am now aware that it was for my salvation, and I now not only think but I KNOW that I will have a seat at the right hand of the Father in Heaven.  This life is temporary, and that His Grace is enough for my failures. As Ephesians 2:4-5 says… “ Because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.” Ephesians 2:8 also says, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.” This is the best and only way I can explain the changes that have overcome me in the past year, it is the Holy Spirit dwelling inside and changing my heart…setting my mind on the things that please Him.  I continue to pray that Melissa sees this change in me as I do my best to love her more and more every day, and that we grow into Unity with Christ.

Christ is the Hope in the Hopelessness!

2 Corinthians 1:4